What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You Might Also Like
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.