I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Running from your problems is cardio .
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs