Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.