If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*seductively eats two tums*
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
This anagram machine is out of order.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny