if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
me: my friends:
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
my one true gender
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.