Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
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There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
yall want some gasoline milk
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.