Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Skills
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!