Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.