They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.