Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush