Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.