Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
#catsoftwitter
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.