my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
this FaceApp is creepy af
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.