Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.