As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.