I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
dutch is not a serious language
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.