Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Oh yeah that’s it
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.