Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.