My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie