Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
m’lady
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza