btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Bike for sale
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.