Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My sex drive has a dui
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news