friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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next question.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
This is what makes twitter great
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect