I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
You Might Also Like
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My dad teaching me to drive
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.