CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
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Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
oh no, steve’s working tonight
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.