If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
You Might Also Like
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.