“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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Erm I’m gonna say no
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Velcrow
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight