The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
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Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified