My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Nothing.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
How to wake up a Beagle
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
monday
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here