Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.