Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Meow
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and