WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
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Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!