Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My last name is Zilla.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.