my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Batman v Dracula
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.