I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’