{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.