me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
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Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.