Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
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Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’