Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
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Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Lmaoo 😂
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me