I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.