I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Two types of dogs.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this