When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”