He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate