Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
jesus christ confetti not now
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.