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Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My life coach traded me.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]