My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Perfect.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.