The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My whole life was a lie.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you