The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
finally
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game