5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I love snow
– People who never shovel
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.