Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“No way.” -Jose
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”